" I'm serving, tithing, enjoying life. But Lord, where is he?" "Lord, I see all of my friends being blessed. Why are you not blessing me with a husband?" "Ok Lord, she shared her story of finally surrendering to the Lord and then he came. I've done the same and where is he?"
Have you ever said or thought any of the previous or something similar? Or have you ever heard someone say something to you like "Girl, it really was a soon as I stopped looking. Or
“It was right after I did...(fill in blank)" or "I was so content in my life, I was thriving, I was loving my singleness and then he came. Ladies just wait, he's coming?"
And you think "Ok where is he?
We have all said it "GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. GOD IS GOOD". I wonder how many of you really want to say "GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.....WELL NOT ALL OF THE TIME BECAUSE, I'M STILL SINGLE".
Well God is either good or He isn't.
Each person is different and the Lord, consistent in who He is, uses different methods. So one woman might have met their mate on a dating site, and then everyone gets on a dating site. One friend might meet someone at a networking event. Now everyone is asking for the information to the next meeting. Question- did the Lord lead you to attending that event for that reason? Or have we succumbed to society’s methods and expectations? Someone might get married at 25, 35, 45, 55 after 1 year of dating, 2 months of dating, someone might not get married...uh oh did I say that? God did NOT promise marriage for everyone. For a while now, my heart has been pained by untruths that seem to penetrate the thoughts and hearts of my awesome fellow Christian single men and women. And here are some of those untruths: and I write this as a woman who is single.
UNTRUTH #1 There is a formula to meeting someone and getting married I don't know about you, but I have heard all types of advice offered to single people-
join a ministry where men serve
sit in the same place at church
slow down. Let the Lord catch up with you
get some things off of your plate
men won’t want you if you get a PhD or a house
you must go out
change your hair and many more.
Some of these have ACTUALLY BEEN SHARED AT SINGLES CONFERENCES AT MAJOR CHURCHES! And I cringed as I listened! By the way--- THERE IS NO FORMULA
These things point me to catering my life around meeting someone as oppose to loving, seeking, trusting the Lord and serving the people in the Kingdom. Now is there anything wrong with meeting someone at church, in ministry, out and about....No! But is your #1 reason for doing these things to meet someone??
As my friend Kai's says "When we try to formulate plans to receive, we are focusing more on obtaining the blessing than the Blesser. Basically, giving the impression that “I’m only messing with you because of this…” I think we forget on certain requests He is not obligated"
Proverbs 3: 5-7 says Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. It does not say trust in [that author, your pastor, friend’s name]. It says the Lord! It does not say “In all your ways submit to [Self, Worldly standards, friends}. It says that Lord! Is there anything wrong with reading books? No! Not at all! I read many books and wrote one myself (Walking Through the Fog). But I would encourage you to ask the Lord to allow you to get from the book what He would like you to get. And of course make sure the Bible is your main source.
UNTRUTH #2 Once we are finally at a place where we are content with our life, are truly serving, are tithing, have released and surrendered to the Lord, then he will finally pop up Now, I'm not saying this isn't the case for some because I know it has been for many women I know. But I would ask, if in their contentment and surrendering, if a husband was the sole purpose of what they going after or hoping to be the end result of their activities. For those who were truly content, I doubt it!
But remember as my sister said Contentment in singleness in beneficial in marriage, NOT causal.
And yes these stories and experiences are beautiful...They really are! But are we putting our hope in someone's story or in the Lord? It is great to get reminders and be encouraged (I have been there many times...and am still encouraged by the testimonies of others) but from where are we seeking the majority of our encouragement? That story, that formula or the Lord? And I sought all at some point in my life.
I've heard pastors and ministry leaders speak in ways as if marriage is the ultimate and final prize. God ordained marriage is beautiful but we already have best prize, if you're a believer! HERE'S THE PROBLEM-- What happens when you get to those places (content, loving life, and a few years pass) and you are STILL single -(btw I despise the phrase "still single")? I've had so many women call me and say things like "OK, I'm tithing, I'm serving...where is he" Were you really doing them with an ulterior motive?
Beware of surrendering, serving, tithing that are motivated by personal benefits. As my sister said: “ I'd point out the dangerous error that even with this way of thinking, you're still attempting to manipulate God. It's very subtle- but if I think that I can make God do something once I've done something, He's become your puppet not your Lord” Col 3:23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men Check out my blog- Stop Waiting and Live
We really have no clue what the Lord is preparing us for. Is the Lord Enough right Now? Do you know you don't need another person to validate your existence? And real talk, are you truly enjoying the benefits of being single without side eyeing the Lord hoping he'll send a mate tomorrow
UNTRUTH #3 Marriage is a guarantee for everyone OUCH! Is marriage a promise for everyone? NO I’ve been to countless events where I’ve heard leaders, speakers, and pastors say things like “Your husband is coming soon, ladies” (ummm what is soon?)“Must prepare to be a wife”“God promises you a husband”“Serve well in the mean time” One of the best responses to things like this is once again from my sister…who by the way is married. She said “Since [people] talk about His promises I want them to give me a scripture that supports this idea as an absolute. We see a lot of "if, thens" in scripture but they would need to show me one that exactly says this regarding relationships. They won't find it. So then, I'd challenge them on what God is actually saying in His promises.” Is there anything wrong with praying for a husband. No! Not at all! But is this your prayer more than anything else? Does this consume you as times to where it's become an idol.
What are some of God’s promises? 2 Cor 12:9 His Grace is sufficient Hebrews 13:5 I will never leave nor forsake you Ephesians 1-3- Who we are in Christ Isaiah 58:11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered. Marriage is beautiful. But isn’t guaranteed for everyone. Single is beautiful, but isn’t guarantee as a long term status for everyone. I do wonder how many people are in "Might as well" marriages. No one else is around so "I might as well marry him or her"
Check out my blog Why I Threw Away My List If you are reading this and have ever believed any of the untruths, I encourage you to do a few things
Repent to the Lord
Surrender any desires to the Lord
Ask the Lord to help you with any disappointment, unbelief
Ask the Lord to protect your heart
Pray some biblical Truth about the Lord. As a friend said “We need to bathe ourselves in the word”
Pray with a friend who might struggling, Because the struggle is real for so many
Ladies, seek the Lord, His word, His Truth, Trust Him and let's stop making other people's stories, words our Bible! BTW- Stop Waiting and Live! Ladies, you are enough now! There is nothing at all wrong wit desiring to be married! Let the Lord know! And Enjoy being single!!!
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